The Girl Who Couldn't Wear Make-up and other tales: If You Aren't Reading Suri's Burn Book, Your Life Is Incomplete

I am not going to lie. I am a huge fan of Suri Cruise. I love that she is five-years-old and wears high heels and red lipstick like it is nobody's business. Yes, fine, maybe she is setting a bad example for little girls but I don't care. She also reads Vogue and drinks Starbucks regularly. I mean I don't even read Vogue. I carry it around and pretend I do but I get pretty bored reading any article that isn't about a celebrity. She spends more on dresses than I spend on my rent and I am pretty sure she is Katie Holmes' only friend. Plus, you can just see she is thinking these snobby thoughts about the other Hollywood kids. I mean this is child who made her debut in society on the cover of Vanity Fair. Sorry Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, but OK! Magazine just doesn't cut it. Someone else obviously knew that Suri was thinking these thoughts too and finally did something about. The Suri Cruise Burn Book is like The New Yorker of fictional celebrity children burn books.

I don't know who writes it but they are genius and I want to be their friend. I mean she already pointed out that Harper Beckham has "chunky arms." And I love that she constantly makes fun of the Affleck Garner girls' "mid-90’s Target chic look." Or with another picture of them, "IT HURTS ME. The faces are so pretty, but the clothes are so sad." And wait until you hear what she says about Shiloh.

On Beyonce & Jay Z's baby:
" This baby is going to be fashion-forward, wealthy, and half-beautiful. I’m terrified. In situations like this, there’s only one thing you can do, and that is to pray it’s a boy."

On Papa Cruise:
My father is a helicopter parent, in that we own a helicopter, but he is under strict orders not to come too close without my permission and some advance notice. And you don’t even want to know what my nickname for Tom is. Okay fine. It’s Polly Pocket.

On Shiloh:

I understand the urge to act out when you have five siblings fighting for your mother’s attention, especially when it’s obvious she’d rather be focusing on ruining other people’s marriages and shopping for things that are black.

But do you have to run around an airport behaving like you’re on ecstasy?

If you start reading this blog, I swear to God your life will be better.