Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Some thoughts on Nicholas Spark films

Oh Nicholas Sparks.  You crazy, sappy, rich genius bastard. The other day I saw the film The Lucky One. I know. But I am not going to lie to you. I will pretty much watch Zac Efron do anything. I would watch him sit at a table and eat cheese. I watched him sing and dance about being popular in high school. I watched him when he had bangs in 17 Again. I even watched him when he was that weird kid who sailed and talked to his dead brother all day. So, yes, of course I was going to see the new grown-up Zac Efron fully decked out with stubble and 20 new pounds of muscle. But not even Zac and those ridiculously gorgeous eyes could not help this film. Of all the Nic Spark films, including that really bad one where we are supposed to believe that Miley Cyrus is musically talented, this one was the most pointless and the most plotless (him sitting at a table eating cheese may have had a stronger storyline than this.) And possibly the most ridiculous. But it did help me come up with these thoughts on Nicholas Spark films.

1) When you are a romantic person, you walk EVERYWHERE. Romantic people don't use cars, or planes or trains or modern transportation. A horse would probably work. Do poets drive cars? No. In The Lucky One Zac's character walks from Colorado to Louisiana because he is deep and beautiful and it is much more scenic to sleep under trees and not in a motel. Don't worry about foods or anything. If you have to use a car it needs to be either a beat-up old Ford truck or a classic convertible.
Oh the stare

2) Every Nicholas Spark film takes place in the same Louisiana town where the trees are weepy and it is either sunset or sunrise at all times. And I'm pretty sure they filmed The Lucky One, Dear John and The Last Song at the same house that used to be a plantation.

3) Small streams can become dangerous rivers at even the slightest bit of rain. One minute the stream is peaceful and small and a great place for people to get it on in a boat and then the next it becomes the most dangerous river in the history of the land.

4) Rain represents...things. Sometimes it represents passion, sometimes anger. Rain either happens right before someone dies or right before people are about to get it on.

5) If someone doesn't die, it's not a party. Now once in a while he kills the bad guy who is actually good but then sometimes he kills the dad or someone's parent and then when he was really being a bitch who kills the person who finally finds happiness with Diane Lane who is ridiculously hot.

6) Everyone appears to not wear makeup and not really brush their hair but still look amazing. Except Miley Cyrus she just looked messy. And everyone can pull off hats.

6) The Notebook is really the only film that figured it out. I think it has something to do with the fact that Ryan Gosling is just ridic. It is corny and sad but at the same time can you not tell me you will sit down and watch that shit every time it's on ABC Family.

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